So, Friday night we caught Forrest Gump on VH1, of all the channels to play it. When it was over, Mob Wives came on. There was one woman, Big Bertha or some such, with lips that Steven Tyler could only aspire to. Horrific.
But then one of the other women (I was going to type ladies, but I'm not sure that word is entirely correct) was in a music studio. Apparently she thinks she raps, and she knows someone who probably owes her husband money who makes sure she keeps thinking she raps well. He had a new track for her. Standard base beat, standard auto-tune, singing something that sounded like standard white-girl bullshit, over and over. Same two words, on repeat. Occasionally, it skipped a word. I think, not quite sure on this, that it was saying "Mrs. Moneybags"?
She then proceeded to white girl dance. "This is da digggity bombadonk!" or something like that was coming out of her mouth the whole time.
That's so cute.
On a side note, these women were like a progression picture of bad cosmetic surgery. They all looked like exactly the same women at various points of destroying their faces; black hair, orange-tan skin, exactly the same eyeliner and a weird gradual shift into a non-female body shape.
Saturday night we caught Wanted (that really bad movie that was about Angeline Jolie as Angelina Jolie with extra tattoos, eyeliner and guns?) and the commercials...
- DNA testing kit. For when you don't know which baby daddy fathered the baby this time!
- Pregnancy tests - self explanatory, and probably commonly purchased with the aforementioned DNA testing kit
- Proactive - gotta treat that acne, and make sure we keep our future baby daddies around!
- Clearasil - Basically, this is Proactive for the pre-employed
- Fast-food commercials - These are brilliant when a large subsection of your viewing audience is permanently high on cannabis, but why even put money into commercials - pictures of your food and a poster board that says "Eat at Taco Bell/KFC/Pizza Hut/Etc" would work just as well. Just show a picture of a cheap ass taco for the full 22 seconds, and they'll come
- Various cheap lotions
- Various cheap cosmetics
- The Perfect Bacon Bowl (Really? Pro tip - flip a muffin tin over. Wrap bacon around inverted cups. Bake for about 10 minutes. You have a bacon bowl. It's not that complicated)
- Life insurance commercials (Seriously, I'm guessing mTV's viewing audience doesn't really care about this. It's money that could be spent on weed)
- Medicalert or Life Alert commercials ("Help I've Fallen Cause I Ate A Taco!" Probably isn't so catchy a slogan)
- Viagra Commercials (I gotta say, this one surprised me)
- As Seen On TV type "collectibles"
- VistaPrint (I'm going to take a stab at why - probably not too many business owners watching mTV...)
- Anything else that doesn't have to do with being a teenager, being a pregnant teenager, or being high
Oh, and mTV's Ridiculousness? It's like Tosh.0, if you took out Tosh, made it not funny, used stupid and not-funny YouTube videos, and put a few people on to talk about the videos who think they're funny, but will obviously never make it as comedians. Sorry mTV, I suffered through 42 seconds of this show before I willingly changed the channel to something random and probably awful on the SyFy channel.
