My husband never read the "how to take care of yourself", mens edition, handbook. He came home today and asked why, when I hung his brand new dress pants, I hung a towel, neatly folded, over the hanger first. I stared dumbfound at him for a while, unable to believe that I heard what I heard.
See, I'm pretty sure that handbook would have been something like this:
1) You're gonna grow hair places them women folk don't. That means shaving and extra deodorant. Sorry, doesn't matter if you want it or not. (Also note: 72 hour protection on deodorant/antiperspirant is not real. Apply daily, at minimum. The people who have to be physically near you deserve it.)
2) You're gonna get erections. You'll mostly want these, and if you need this list to tell you what to do with them, you aren't ready for them. (Note: Do not attempt to pee with one unless in dire circumstances.)
3) Clothes must be washed regularly. On top of being human, number one on this list doesn't help matters, and occasionally, number 2 is mean like that too. It happens.
4) Dress pants can not be hung over 2 millimeter wide hangers. It'll crease your 60$ dress pants. Toss a towel over it, or, if you're really cheap and all your towels are in the wash (cause we know you wash those regularly too) use a cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels.
There's more, of course. But I'm going to stop at number four, since that's the one that directly applies. What is with parents not teaching their kids the basics for adult maintenance?
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
Commercials Part 2
It's the holiday season. That means new commercials to drive me crazy. Strangely, it's not the holiday/Christmas commercials that bug me, for the most part, but the same old same old.
Viagra: so this guy wanders around a printing Warehouse, right? It's late, he's fixing machines and waving bye-bye to his employees, before meandering up to his corner office with the big bay windows. The scene flashes over pictures of him with the guys, and maybe one of his family? Then he gets a text message (from the wife?) asking when he'll be home. Does any of this sound like the set-up for sexy-sexy times, or does it more sound like he's going to get a quick, private wank in his office before heading home? Seriously, it makes no sense.
Gazelle.com: I have no idea what this commercial was about. But, sitting at my computer, away from the tv I hear the guy say "get on your little double-u-double-u-double-u" and let me tell you, you patronizing prick: nobody calls the internet that. It's the internet. Or your laptop. Tablet. Computer. The Web. But I have never heard it called "the double-u-double-u-double-u". That's stupid.
Walmart: Your thanksgiving commercial is so stupid I lose brain cells. Your turkey looks fake, and nobody is buying it. Thanksgiving isn't NASCAR, and I can only assume the guy staring at the un-carved turkey has brain damage. Probably from last year when she dropped the turkey on his head. http://youtu.be/yOVz5jyWzvA
Marshall's/TJ Maxx/whatever the other store was: Good lord. Way to promote shopoholicism. You are aware that's a thing right? And that you're intentionally glorifying it? Good job if it was intentional; it worked.
Universal Technical Institute: This commercial was about the guys stomach*. Then I realized it's supposed to be some sort of vocational college, and when I looked it up, I was surprised it had nothing whatsoever to do with urethrae. Totally disappointed. (*No, it wasn't, but that's my focus the whole damned time. I'm not trying to fat-shame here, but the camera actively zooms in on his belly in one shot before panning to his face. WTH?)
Blu E-cigs: Jenny McCarthy is your spokesperson? The "vaccinations cause autism" lady? The same person who has an actual website that tallies how many deaths she has caused with her statements? You thought THIS WOMAN would be a good spokesperson for a cancerous accessory? Brilliant.
Special mentions: I love the BMW commercial ("Hey, I'm almost home." Parks car. "Good, my mom's here." Puts car in reverse. "Where the *honk* are you going?" Amusing.)
Barnes and Noble: I hated this commercial, and still do, until the point that the annoyingly peppy little man says "And a gift card for Grandpa Olsen... He's *very* particular." And then I giggle. But that is the only reason, that silly little 2 second line, that I don't want to kill this commercial with fire.
Viagra: so this guy wanders around a printing Warehouse, right? It's late, he's fixing machines and waving bye-bye to his employees, before meandering up to his corner office with the big bay windows. The scene flashes over pictures of him with the guys, and maybe one of his family? Then he gets a text message (from the wife?) asking when he'll be home. Does any of this sound like the set-up for sexy-sexy times, or does it more sound like he's going to get a quick, private wank in his office before heading home? Seriously, it makes no sense.
Gazelle.com: I have no idea what this commercial was about. But, sitting at my computer, away from the tv I hear the guy say "get on your little double-u-double-u-double-u" and let me tell you, you patronizing prick: nobody calls the internet that. It's the internet. Or your laptop. Tablet. Computer. The Web. But I have never heard it called "the double-u-double-u-double-u". That's stupid.
Walmart: Your thanksgiving commercial is so stupid I lose brain cells. Your turkey looks fake, and nobody is buying it. Thanksgiving isn't NASCAR, and I can only assume the guy staring at the un-carved turkey has brain damage. Probably from last year when she dropped the turkey on his head. http://youtu.be/yOVz5jyWzvA
Marshall's/TJ Maxx/whatever the other store was: Good lord. Way to promote shopoholicism. You are aware that's a thing right? And that you're intentionally glorifying it? Good job if it was intentional; it worked.
Universal Technical Institute: This commercial was about the guys stomach*. Then I realized it's supposed to be some sort of vocational college, and when I looked it up, I was surprised it had nothing whatsoever to do with urethrae. Totally disappointed. (*No, it wasn't, but that's my focus the whole damned time. I'm not trying to fat-shame here, but the camera actively zooms in on his belly in one shot before panning to his face. WTH?)
Blu E-cigs: Jenny McCarthy is your spokesperson? The "vaccinations cause autism" lady? The same person who has an actual website that tallies how many deaths she has caused with her statements? You thought THIS WOMAN would be a good spokesperson for a cancerous accessory? Brilliant.
Special mentions: I love the BMW commercial ("Hey, I'm almost home." Parks car. "Good, my mom's here." Puts car in reverse. "Where the *honk* are you going?" Amusing.)
Barnes and Noble: I hated this commercial, and still do, until the point that the annoyingly peppy little man says "And a gift card for Grandpa Olsen... He's *very* particular." And then I giggle. But that is the only reason, that silly little 2 second line, that I don't want to kill this commercial with fire.
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