mTV and VH1 - Am I Really That Old?

I don't even know where to start with this one. As an insomniac at 29 with 3 kids who have bedtimes most distinctly before midnight, I spend a lot of time watching late night TV after they're in bed and I have no energy left for cleaning up the rest of their messes. It's life.

So, Friday night we caught Forrest Gump on VH1, of all the channels to play it. When it was over, Mob Wives came on. There was one woman, Big Bertha or some such, with lips that Steven Tyler could only aspire to. Horrific.

But then one of the other women (I was going to type ladies, but I'm not sure that word is entirely correct) was in a music studio. Apparently she thinks she raps, and she knows someone who probably owes her husband money who makes sure she keeps thinking she raps well. He had a new track for her.  Standard base beat, standard auto-tune, singing something that sounded like standard white-girl bullshit, over and over. Same two words, on repeat. Occasionally, it skipped a word. I think, not quite sure on this, that it was saying "Mrs. Moneybags"?

She then proceeded to white girl dance. "This is da digggity bombadonk!" or something like that was coming out of her mouth the whole time.

That's so cute.

On a side note, these women were like a progression picture of bad cosmetic surgery. They all looked like exactly the same women at various points of destroying their faces; black hair, orange-tan skin, exactly the same eyeliner and a weird gradual shift into a non-female body shape.

Saturday night we caught Wanted (that really bad movie that was about Angeline Jolie as Angelina Jolie with extra tattoos, eyeliner and guns?) and the commercials...

• DNA testing kit. For when you don't know which baby daddy fathered the baby this time!
• Pregnancy tests - self explanatory, and probably commonly purchased with the aforementioned DNA testing kit
• Proactive - gotta treat that acne, and make sure we keep our future baby daddies around!
• Clearasil - Basically, this is Proactive for the pre-employed
• Fast-food commercials - These are brilliant when a large subsection of your viewing audience is permanently high on cannabis, but why even put money into commercials - pictures of your food and a poster board that says "Eat at Taco Bell/KFC/Pizza Hut/Etc" would work just as well. Just show a picture of a cheap ass taco for the full 22 seconds, and they'll come
•  Various cheap lotions
• Various cheap cosmetics
• The Perfect Bacon Bowl (Really? Pro tip - flip a muffin tin over. Wrap bacon around inverted cups. Bake for about 10 minutes. You have a bacon bowl. It's not that complicated)

Things that were noticeably missing:

• Life insurance commercials (Seriously, I'm guessing mTV's viewing audience doesn't really care about this. It's money that could be spent on weed)
• Medicalert or Life Alert commercials ("Help I've Fallen Cause I Ate A Taco!" Probably isn't so catchy a slogan)
• Viagra Commercials (I gotta say, this one surprised me)
• As Seen On TV type "collectibles"
• VistaPrint (I'm going to take a stab at why - probably not too many business owners watching mTV...)
• Anything else that doesn't have to do with being a teenager, being a pregnant teenager, or being high

So, all this to say... I don't know if they've changed or I've changed since the last time I watched them (1997?) but it would appear that I'm no longer the target audience for either channel.

Oh, and mTV's Ridiculousness? It's like Tosh.0, if you took out Tosh, made it not funny, used stupid and not-funny YouTube videos, and put a few people on to talk about the videos who think they're funny, but will obviously never make it as comedians. Sorry mTV, I suffered through 42 seconds of this show before I willingly changed the channel to something random and probably awful on the SyFy channel.

Sam Adams

"Don't change for us. We won't change for you."

Okay. How about you change because your beer tastes like donkey piss, and everyone knows it? (Even you. Otherwise you wouldn't spend so much time trying to convince us otherwise.)

Come to Find Out...

My husband never read the "how to take care of yourself", mens edition, handbook. He came home today and asked why, when I hung his brand new dress pants, I hung a towel, neatly folded, over the hanger first. I stared dumbfound at him for a while, unable to believe that I heard what I heard.

See, I'm pretty sure that handbook would have been something like this:

1) You're gonna grow hair places them women folk don't. That means shaving and extra deodorant. Sorry, doesn't matter if you want it or not. (Also note: 72 hour protection on deodorant/antiperspirant is not real. Apply daily, at minimum. The people who have to be physically near you deserve it.)

2) You're gonna get erections. You'll mostly want these, and if you need this list to tell you what to do with them, you aren't ready for them. (Note: Do not attempt to pee with one unless in dire circumstances.)

3) Clothes must be washed regularly. On top of being human, number one on this list doesn't help matters, and occasionally, number 2 is mean like that too. It happens.

4) Dress pants can not be hung over 2 millimeter wide hangers. It'll crease your 60$ dress pants. Toss a towel over it, or, if you're really cheap and all your towels are in the wash (cause we know you wash those regularly too) use a cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels.

There's more, of course. But I'm going to stop at number four, since that's the one that directly applies. What is with parents not teaching their kids the basics for adult maintenance?

Commercials Part 2

It's the holiday season. That means new commercials to drive me crazy. Strangely, it's not the holiday/Christmas commercials that bug me, for the most part, but the same old same old.

Viagra: so this guy wanders around a printing Warehouse, right? It's late, he's fixing machines and waving bye-bye to his employees, before meandering up to his corner office with the big bay windows. The scene flashes over pictures of him with the guys, and maybe one of his family? Then he gets a text message (from the wife?) asking when he'll be home. Does any of this sound like the set-up for sexy-sexy times, or does it more sound like he's going to get a quick, private wank in his office before heading home? Seriously, it makes no sense.

Gazelle.com: I have no idea what this commercial was about. But, sitting at my computer, away from the tv I hear the guy say "get on your little double-u-double-u-double-u" and let me tell you, you patronizing prick: nobody calls the internet that. It's the internet. Or your laptop. Tablet. Computer. The Web. But I have never heard it called "the double-u-double-u-double-u". That's stupid.

Walmart: Your thanksgiving commercial is so stupid I lose brain cells. Your turkey looks fake, and nobody is buying it. Thanksgiving isn't NASCAR, and I can only assume the guy staring at the un-carved turkey has brain damage. Probably from last year when she dropped the turkey on his head. http://youtu.be/yOVz5jyWzvA

Marshall's/TJ Maxx/whatever the other store was: Good lord. Way to promote shopoholicism. You are aware that's a thing right? And that you're intentionally glorifying it? Good job if it was intentional; it worked.

Universal Technical Institute: This commercial was about the guys stomach*. Then I realized it's supposed to be some sort of vocational college, and when I looked it up, I was surprised it had nothing whatsoever to do with urethrae. Totally disappointed. (*No, it wasn't, but that's my focus the whole damned time. I'm not trying to fat-shame here, but the camera actively zooms in on his belly in one shot before panning to his face. WTH?)

Blu E-cigs: Jenny McCarthy is your spokesperson? The "vaccinations cause autism" lady? The same person who has an actual website that tallies how many deaths she has caused with her statements? You thought THIS WOMAN would be a good spokesperson for a cancerous accessory? Brilliant.

Special mentions: I love the BMW commercial ("Hey, I'm almost home." Parks car. "Good, my mom's here." Puts car in reverse. "Where the *honk* are you going?" Amusing.)

Barnes and Noble: I hated this commercial, and still do, until the point that the annoyingly peppy little man says "And a gift card for Grandpa Olsen... He's *very* particular." And then I giggle. But that is the only reason, that silly little 2 second line, that I don't want to kill this commercial with fire.

Target, and Why I Will Never Return To One

So, earlier I showed up at the Silverdale, WA Target to get some coffee, since the commissary is a ghost due to the shutdown, and, in front of my two daughters, 8 and 6, am asked to sign a petition against gun control. After actually reading over the petition, I declined, and entered the store. To my surprise, this individual was still at Target when I left, asking customers who are registered voters in WA state, to sign. That's when I snapped the attached picture.

This is problematic for the following reasons:

1) the pressure to sign something without even actually understanding what you're signing, because you're in a hurry and don't want to say no, thus wasting more time, is a really crappy way to get your political agenda advanced. I understand this tactic is used frequently, but Target should have removed this person before he had enough time to use it.

2) Approaching Targets customer's in front of their children about extremely charged political issues is flat-out wrong.

3) This person was less than five feet from the doors of Target, approaching every person who entered or exited. Leaving him to ask for signatures is tantamount to telling every customer who entered the store your company's stance on gun control.

4) I come to your store, a paying customer, and should never be put in an uncomfortable position of choosing between proving my political opinion is different than those who may currently be signing the petition, or sacrificing my opinions in order to prevent any possible confrontation. Refer back to 2 as to one of many reasons that this is wrong.

5) You are supposed to have a security team that prevents this. Managers that deal with it. Cops that could be called if necessary. Instead, your employees either agreed with his stance, allowing him to continue against company policy, or were incapable of following it, or your company policy is to allow this sort of behavior. No matter which of these three options it was, it's completely countermand to good policy.

Because of these reasons, I personally won't be returning to at least this store, if not another Target. Frankly, I don't really care whether I had been in support of or against the petition, I refuse to shop at a store that I may or may not be approached, again, about another political issue.

The attached picture, while fuzzy, was intentionally taken to NOT identify the individual. That's not what this post is about. What it is about is the fact that you can tell, based on the background, that it IS in fact a target, and this individual WAS in fact there.

 

3 Months Later

I'm finally posting again. I've been busy. If that's the proper word for it.

If busy can properly cover seizures, broken bones, sprained ankles, visits from in-laws and family, the birthday of your eldest, your youngest starting crawling and standing, your middle child swallowing a quarter, dropping a brick on her own hand, and getting bit by a dog, making a week-long trip to visit your own family and help with family issues, and your two oldest daughters starting school back up... then yeah, I've been busy. And this little blog fell to the wayside.


But, now that things are calming, I can get back to what I originally intended to do here. Post recipes I like, changes I'm working on in my life, projects I have going, arts and crafts, household tips, and my normal snark that I have to get out somewhere.

It's a lot of crap for a little blog, but I'm kind of renaissance in my life - I do a little of everything. Maybe with time, I'll find a single direction for posting, but for now, this blog is, essentially, a household journal.

And, now that I have this blog post finally taken care of, I'm off for my second goal for the day - a shower.

On Commercials

'Low T'? Does changing the word testosterone to the letter 'T' somehow make it more manly to have? Is it more acceptable? Does it make it easier to talk about, since you can say you have 'low t' instead of actually naming it? Does it somehow make a man less of a man to know that, with age, the vast majority of men end up with lower testosterone? I'm generally perplexed at the notion that the drug makers think they're fooling anyone with this.

Xeljanz - Did we just give up? Every freaking medication name on the planet has a j, x, z or v in it. Not to mention, this name has nothing in common with the actual pharmaceutical name, nor does it say anything about the disease it's trying to help. Either that or it's a really cool new type of Vans. That could be it.

The General insurance - choose your due date? This insurance is obviously marketed towards people who have no concept that things can be paid on a date that isn't listed on their statements. It's an incredible concept. You get paid, you pay your shit, whether it's due the same day or not. Then again, if you don't know this, you probably should be paying $418 a month on a 14 year old beater for insurance. It's a stupid tax.

VistaPrint - I love the things you make. I fucking hate your commercials. Ask my husband what commercial is my most hated, and he'll tell you. The VistaPrint commercial with that idiot who makes it sound like VistaPrint is amazing because he "probably has 20 to 30 business cards at any given time". Okay then. Hope you win that free buffet lunch you tossed your business card into the fishbowl at the No. 1 Buffet for.

Medical Alert - I have no idea why I love you so much. I shouldn't. You're on the Syfy channel. I'm 29. I don't need Medical Alert, and most senior citizens aren't all that interested in watching Fangasm or Paranormal Activity, so I assume that your commercial airs on this channel purely for my amusement. (You didn't know I was wearing it, did you?)

Dyson - You're a pretentious prick. The Dyson commercials rank directly below VistaPrint on my hated commercials list. I'm sorry, but Americans are fucking broke. Don't pull out big words in a foreign accent, and think it sounds appealing. Maybe I'm alone in this, but there's a large difference between "Our product is the best!" and "Our product is far superior to those inferior models of vacuums that you pedantic Americans currently use." Dyson, please figure it out.

Danner Boots - Until the very end of your commercial, I thought it could be one of three things - a truck commercial, a viagra commercial, or a financial planning commercial. What your advertising effort did was make me raise my eyebrow and go 'What?', but it definitely didn't raise Danner up on my list of shoe-ware to buy, for me or my husband.

But what this all really says is... I watch too much TV and let too many stupid things annoy me.