On Commercials

'Low T'? Does changing the word testosterone to the letter 'T' somehow make it more manly to have? Is it more acceptable? Does it make it easier to talk about, since you can say you have 'low t' instead of actually naming it? Does it somehow make a man less of a man to know that, with age, the vast majority of men end up with lower testosterone? I'm generally perplexed at the notion that the drug makers think they're fooling anyone with this.

Xeljanz - Did we just give up? Every freaking medication name on the planet has a j, x, z or v in it. Not to mention, this name has nothing in common with the actual pharmaceutical name, nor does it say anything about the disease it's trying to help. Either that or it's a really cool new type of Vans. That could be it.

The General insurance - choose your due date? This insurance is obviously marketed towards people who have no concept that things can be paid on a date that isn't listed on their statements. It's an incredible concept. You get paid, you pay your shit, whether it's due the same day or not. Then again, if you don't know this, you probably should be paying $418 a month on a 14 year old beater for insurance. It's a stupid tax.

VistaPrint - I love the things you make. I fucking hate your commercials. Ask my husband what commercial is my most hated, and he'll tell you. The VistaPrint commercial with that idiot who makes it sound like VistaPrint is amazing because he "probably has 20 to 30 business cards at any given time". Okay then. Hope you win that free buffet lunch you tossed your business card into the fishbowl at the No. 1 Buffet for.

Medical Alert - I have no idea why I love you so much. I shouldn't. You're on the Syfy channel. I'm 29. I don't need Medical Alert, and most senior citizens aren't all that interested in watching Fangasm or Paranormal Activity, so I assume that your commercial airs on this channel purely for my amusement. (You didn't know I was wearing it, did you?)

Dyson - You're a pretentious prick. The Dyson commercials rank directly below VistaPrint on my hated commercials list. I'm sorry, but Americans are fucking broke. Don't pull out big words in a foreign accent, and think it sounds appealing. Maybe I'm alone in this, but there's a large difference between "Our product is the best!" and "Our product is far superior to those inferior models of vacuums that you pedantic Americans currently use." Dyson, please figure it out.

Danner Boots - Until the very end of your commercial, I thought it could be one of three things - a truck commercial, a viagra commercial, or a financial planning commercial. What your advertising effort did was make me raise my eyebrow and go 'What?', but it definitely didn't raise Danner up on my list of shoe-ware to buy, for me or my husband.

But what this all really says is... I watch too much TV and let too many stupid things annoy me.

Snark

A friend's 19 year old daughter, who is about to give birth to her first child keeps complaining on facebook about being pregnant. Go figure. It's such a wonderful state of being, we all wish we could constantly be 9 months pregnant. Today's post was about how she can't do anything. Of course the posts are always written in a way to gain questions, or sympathy, or imply dramatic goings-on.

But today, All. I. Want. To. Do. is post and tell her "No shit. That's what you get when you decide to become a human crockpot." But I won't. Because I like my friend.

Damn my being anti-drama. It'd be so much fun, sometimes.

Random Thought

Why doesn't redbox say what they really mean?

"Fuck. You returned it. We were really hoping you'd pay 35$ plus tax for Santa verses the Water Gremlins."

Thoughts on Painters

Housing, in their infinite wisdom, decided that the siding of the new houses that are clearly visible from the main road is more important than renovating our 25 year old kitchen cabinets, and are now in the process of painting those visual eyesores they call town houses. Because, you know, can't offend the big wigs driving past.

I'm not bitter.

It's not like I have less counter space than a studio apartment. Or no pre-installed lighting in any rooms. Or showers that don't leak. Drains that don't back up constantly, or a true working garbage disposal. Or doors and windows that seal properly.

But I'm not bitter.

It's not like I pay 1500$ a month for the above listed monstrosities.

But that's not the point of this post.

Point is, as I was driving by the painters, I realized that they were wearing all white, as they're painting the townhouses in a distinctly not-white color. Which made me think, who decided white was a good color for a painter's uniform? I mean, no one in their right mind paints anything pure white. Especially not the Navy, who specialize in nicotine yellow for housing.

So what color does work for it? Should they have rotating uniforms, I wondered? Matching their outfits to the color they're working with? Or a rainbow camouflage, so that any splotches would never be seen? It could be like an initiation ritual - hark back to 1992, when all the cool teenagers splatter painted their bedrooms. Only they do it with clothes.

No. No I decided the appropriate uniform for a painter should be Vaseline. No replacement of uniforms. No washing required. Just your normal shower, and perfectly soft skin every day.

And gloves, of course. Wouldn't want to drop those paint brushes when you're all Vaselined up.

Some days you just walk on by

Others, you find yourself wondering what a troll king tastes like. Is it rancid from the first cut, or taste like buttery unicorn meat? Is it best served with mustard or ketchup, or does it require its own special sauce that, had the troll king catchers been paying attention, would have come with the meat. These are questions I'll never have the answers to.

Don't Worry About It

It's fine. Desperation is a good look on you.