My mother in law verses the chainsaw

I posted this story on a babycenter board that I'm a member of, but it's so long (and funny) that I feel compelled to post it here for posterity. Plus, everyone loves a good "My mother in law got chainsawed" story.

My MIL... God love her. But she's a little daft sometimes. And this is why she'll never watch my children alone again.

Picture the scene: southeast of Houston in April. DH is with his parents, haven taken our kids down ahead of me while he was on transfer leave. My husband occasionally does things that make no sense. Like deciding he's a logger. Granted, my uncle is one, but it's not something you become by association, like an idiot or a wagon. 

So, my husband the lumberjack (here on out known as Wonderjack) offers to take care of the three trees in his parents front yard in one of those attempts for parental validation covered up by "helpfulness". Of course, this means that Wonderjack has to use a chainsaw, which he's totally a pro at since we happen to also own one. Owning a chainsaw makes you a manly pro at using them the same way that owning a car made Wonderjack a good driver and buying a set of knives made Gordon Ramsay wish he could have my talent. 

Also, since these are trees were talking about, not stumps, this also meant the use of a ladder. 

Supplies gathered, Wonderjack left our kids in my mother in laws capable care inside the house, where she presumably fluttered window to window watching, while burning a pot of water in the stove. She was told to stay in the house, and watch the kids. The manly lumberjacks were going out to deal with those pesky trees, and kids could be hurt. So I give Wonderjack points for at least thinking about this fact. Unfortunately, points didn't prevent what would happen next. 

Wonderjack cut down the first tree with no incident. Then my MIL decided to go hover and check out what was taking do long. Because cutting down trees is such a quick process. 

My MIL has a tendency to do this. Hover and watch, fingers in pots when you're cooking. It's mostly harmless, even if a touch annoying. But this time she forgot about the five and six year old little girls in her care. Actually I prefer to think she didn't forget, but rather believed on blind faith that an ADHD little girl and her little sister would just sit quietly, saying "yes, grandma" and twiddle their thumbs until she returned. 

So MIL the brainiac meanders on over to Wwonderjack, who is up on a ladder, actively using a chainsaw. At the very moment that she walked under the ladder, Wonderjack lost his balance. With a chainsaw in hands. Mother in law (did I mention she's a genius?) dives for her baby boy. You know, the one with the chainsaw. 

And promptly takes a chainsaw to the shoulder. 

With my daughters watching. Forget about that part? Oh yes, my highly obedient little darlings had wandered outside after grandma, figuring if it was so interesting that grandma needed to go look, they needed to see too.

Now, luckily for my MIL, chainsaws in this day and age have a safety, so when you release, they turn off. Otherwise, she'd be mastering fire alarm cooking with one arm. She ended up with 11 stitches to her shoulder, and a bill for 200$ from the hospital, a story that both she and my husband will never live down, and a ban from ever watching my children again.